“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
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I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together