Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
You Might Also Like
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
he chose this
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me