I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
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Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
🏙👨🏼
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..