GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
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shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.