I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
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Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
The biggest mystery of our time
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”