Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
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Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.