The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
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So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential