“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
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Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?