[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
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PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?