life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
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The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
When you try jalapeños for the first time
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.