Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
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My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you