When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
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Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
yes… yes…
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.