You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
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An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!