(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
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CUTE CAT‼︎
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.