It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
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“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.