Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
こいつ天才
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.