A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
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Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.