If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
You Might Also Like
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao