There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
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Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH