*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
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every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread