I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
You Might Also Like
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you