At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
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kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
iPhone X
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x