1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
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According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.