Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
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I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Kids: Stay in school.