If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
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What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.