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me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*