A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
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Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.