Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
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The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you鈥檝e ever seen
Daughter: dada I鈥檓 scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark鈥檚 more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where鈥檇 that creepy little girl go?
Me buying fruit and veg
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 馃獎
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that鈥檚 just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don鈥檛 they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
i鈥檓 sorry i didn鈥檛 text you back i鈥檓 really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
They’re on their honeymoon
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free