The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
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You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
“Why you watching this shit?”
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.