My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
I am yelling
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I needed a laugh this morning.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary