Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
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It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!