My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
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People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Before crowbars crows drank alone
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
This is a true ally.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.