Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
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I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
m’lady
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Baking is just science you can eat.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.