I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
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Is fake venison called venisn’t
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth