Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
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Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat