I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
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my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.