4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
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Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit