Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
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(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House