*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
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son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.