I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
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I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
“A little help here, Danny?”
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.