therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
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How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes