[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
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instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
My wedding will be open casket.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
This has made my week.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.