Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
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Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
my first day as a raccoon
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.