I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
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I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
8, peering closely at me: what鈥檚 that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
*romantically grabs husband鈥檚 face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 馃槒
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn鈥檛 contain?
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we鈥檙e not heating the outside!
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern