Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
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You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
This cat wants you to take your pills
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it