Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
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Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”