33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
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5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out