Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
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[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.