[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
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How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
#gardening
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.