I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
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me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday